I am no longer going to feel bad for speaking my truth. I say this as more of a mantra as I learn to unlearn all the ways I thought I needed to hide my true myself.
In my late teens and early twenties, I remember feeling so lost and broken. I could hear family members saying “Brandy really has a hard time.” or “Why does Brandy struggle so much?”. These are probably not the exact statements but what I remember. I too, began to question what is wrong with me? Why do I struggle so much? Why can’t I just let stuff go?
It seems I was supposed to live through abuse, neglect, and others’ addictions and still be okay. I mean I knew others that seemed to do that beautifully…or so it seemed.
I would spend much of my life trying to cover this up. Trying to be okay so that my family and friends could be proud. They think I should be okay, I must find a way to do that. Pretending I was fine seemed to work for a while. And yet there is this part of me that is not okay with pretending, and this part seems to be getting louder in my head as I got older.
This is where speaking up comes in. Letting people know what’s acceptable for me and where my boundaries are. Not a popular thing to do! HA-HA, This is especially hard when I spent my life trying to be the good girl and do what was expected of me. I strived to please others even if that meant leaving me out.
How was I going to please others, be truly okay, honor my values, honor the ones I love, and be confident in my choice!? Sometimes this still gets twisty in my head.
When I come from I am broken and something is wrong with me and when I set boundaries from there, I am scared and fearful. I worry that what I am saying will push the other person away or worse somehow make them not love me. I am reminded of the thoughts about being too much and why can’t I just let things go.
AND
When I remember my values, me, my family, what’s truly important, stand grounded in that and come from love. I can speak up, know that the person may not like what I have to say but trust that I am honoring the relationship by speaking up, I can breathe a bit. I still may throw up in the garbage but it does get easier!
I also have to remind myself that people meet me from where they are at. They may not want to hear what I said, they may not like it, they may not want to look inside, and they may blame me for being too much.
If too much means I stop pretending I am fine and speak my truth even when it’s scary, even if it makes all of us uncomfortable and I honor me and you, then I am okay with that.
How about you? Are you good at setting boundaries? Do others setting boundaries with you make you squirm?